All That Remains
by Tikobi The Hatter
Summary: What happens when a Champion is left to practically save a city after her heart is shattered beyond belief? What happens when that same Champion refuses to give herself even a moment of relief? A moment of contemplation about the loss she endured? It leads to the Champion believing that she does not deserve to mourn, and it begins to take it's toll on her.


The ashes were still warm when everything seemed to settle after the attempted invasion of the Qunari and the fall of the Arishok. Everyone in the city of Kirkwall mourned heavily for its losses, but were given hope for its newly named Champion, Lilian Hawke. She was rained with praise and cheers after it was all said and done, and the mage could barley keep up with how many letters of thanks she had received, but the Champion was not as cheerful or high in hopes as the city was. It started when Isabela vanished once again, probably guilty over what she had done, stealing the Qunari relic, but that caused a shift in Hawke's behavior. Her small group saw less and less of the mage and no one knew why. In about a month, Hawke seemed to only emerge from the estate once a week if any of the group were lucky enough to ask her to come and join them.

Aveline had tried to go there to ask Hawke what was wrong, but she seemed to vanish before the Guard Captain even left to check on her. Fenris has tried to catch her off guard, but even he couldn't catch Hawke when she left or when she was home. Hawke's lover Merrill has even tried to track her down with magic, but Hawke seemed to deliberately throw them all off. The group would hear that the Champion was wondering Lowtown, or even Darktown by outside eyes, but they couldn't catch her.

They were all getting worried, even Anders, who hadn't really spoken much with Hawke at all, was worried. And in his growing paranoia, once thought that the Knight-Commander had something to do with it. Not even Fenris could deny the idea that the Mage hating Templar had some sort of hand involving his friend's shift in behavior.

Varric only knew one thing, Hawke arrived with letters. She didn't want to be caught but called on. Beckoned and not dragged into the light. The last time he had seen her, she seemed okay, but he knew she was faking contentment. Her hair was longer and slightly unkept and her skin seemed far more dead than living. She wasn't okay, but when Varric had brought it up that he and the others were worried, she abruptly left, saying that she just remembered some business she needed to attend to. He didn't know what to do but had no choice but to tell the others that she needed some space. Aveline and Fenris knew something was up but had to drop it. Merrill was a worried mess, but reluctantly agreed, at least arranging some special tea bags to have sent to her lover. She'd always get a letter back, expressing Hawke's thanks for the tea. That was enough to state Merrill's worries, but the tension was still there among the group.

And then all of them got invites to Hawke Estate, the group didn't think twice to make their way up into Hightown.

"What's with the basket Daisy?" Varric asked, gesturing to the basket cradled carefully in Merrill's arms as the two headed up the steps of Hightown. It was sundown and Varric had decided to walk up with Merrill to head up to the Estate.

"Oh this? It's a little care basket for Hawke." Merrill replied.

"More tea I'm guessing?"

"Yes, but also some baked goods and some flowers I thought she'd like."

"That's nice of you Daisy, I think she'll like them." Varric had still not said what he saw of Hawke, especially to Merrill. If he thought she was drained physically, then Merrill and Anders would be sure to sense something was seriously wrong with the mage and worry even more. Merrill seemed pleased thinking her lover would like the gifts. After a few minutes of walking and chatting, the two saw Anders stepping out of seemingly nowhere, one of the many entrances to Darktown no doubt, something draped over his arm.

"Blondie, you're lucky it was me and Daisy who saw you sneaking out of a hole in the wall…" Varric teased, making Merrill giggle and Anders a bit flustered. The Grey Warden dusted himself off and joined the two as they continued up the hill.

"I was not sneaking." Anders defended.

"Pfft, sure. Let's not call slipping out of a wall and looking around like you did something wrong 'sneaking'."

"I'm an apostate mage-"

"Daisy and Hawke are apostates-"

"Merrill and Hawke don't have a spirit of justice possessing them."

"That you know of." Merrill teased, making Anders do a double take look at her and earning a snicker from Varric. "But anyhow, what do you have there?" Merrill asked, gesturing to the piece of fabric draped over Anders' arm.

"This? It's a blanket I brought with me while I was with the Grey Wardens. I thought Hawke would like it."

"Did everyone get Hawke a gift? Did I read the invite wrong or is it Hawke's birthday or something?" Varric joked. Varric would have brought something, but he noticed that the writing in the invite was shaky. It was still Hawke's handwriting, but he figured that she could use his own words of comfort than some random gift he bought in the Hanged Man. But the fact that Anders and Merrill both thought to bring Hawke something to try and make her feel better made Varric happy that she does have more people that care about her.

"You're more than enough Varric, I think she likes hearing your stories." Merrill complimented.

"Even if half of them are fabricated?" Anders joked.

"That I can't deny on both ends." Varric verified.

The three continued to joke back and forth until Hawke Estate was in view, along with Aveline, Fenris, and Sebastian just arriving themselves. Fenris carrying three bottles of wine in his arms and seemingly arguing with Sebastian about why he had brought them.

"They're for Hawke." Fenris explained.

"Hawke doesn't need three bottles of wine." Sebastian countered, earning an eye roll from the elf.

"It's a gift from a friend. Plus, I doubt she'd want a Tevinter statue."

"It's better than subtly saying 'here, drown your sorrows in three bottles of wine'."

"Or 'Let's celebrate your victories over a glass or two'."

"Maker help me, if you two don't behave, I'll stuff one of those bottles in each of your throats and bring the last to Hawke." Aveline stated, looking over her shoulder at the two, who quickly went silent, but glanced at each other, Sebastian more at the bottles. Aveline looked back ahead and saw Varric, Merrill, and Anders heading towards them. The two groups stopped in front of Hawke Estate.

"Varric. Anders. Merrill." Aveline greeted each of them.

"Evening Red, seems like she invited the whole crew along." Varric stated.

"Minus one." Fenris stated. There was a short silence before Merrill shook her head and walked up to the door and knocked.

"We're not here to wonder about Isabela. We're here for Hawke." She stated, and the group seemed to agree as they waited. Fenris at one point holding back the urge to smack Anders after he asked why he brought Hawke wine and not something 'practical'. Before more intense words could be exchanged, the door opened, revealing Bodahn at the entrance.

"Ah, welcome! Welcome! Mistress Hawke has been expecting you all. Please do come in!" The Dwarf stepped aside and let the group walk in, only to be greeted by an odd sight.

In the main living room was a mass pile of pillows and blankets, which included Sandal bringing and tossing more blankets and pillows into the pile gleefully, all while Hawke's Mabari, Marley, laid on the pile happily.

"Mistress Hawke asked Sandal to bring all of the pillows and blankets from the rooms to the living room. I'm not too sure why though…" Bodahn mentioned as he followed the group and Marley barked happily as a blanket was tossed over his form. The group took glances at one another as Bodahn headed up the stairs and the sound of a door opening soon reached everyone's ears. There were words being spoken, but none they could understand. Eventually, Hawke herself stood at the top of the stairwell, and the swell of worry in Varric's gut got worse.

She looked like she hadn't gotten much sleep in days, weeks even. There was some effort to make herself more presentable; her hair was trimmed, and her clothes seemed freshly pressed, but her skin was paler, she hadn't been outside in a while. Something everyone took notice of was that as she walked down the steps, Hawke always held onto the railing as if she'd fall. She smiled at the group once she got down, but it was forced and before anyone could speak, Marley trotted over, still covered in a blanket and nuzzled her hand. Hawke smiled and petted the Mabari.

"You having fun setting everything up?" She asked. Her voice sounded hoarse. Like she was either ill or strained her voice. Merrill was the first to set her gift down on a table and rushed for Hawke, wrapping her arms around Hawke's shoulder. Now that he got a better look, Varric noticed the height difference between Hawke and Merrill, the former standing half a foot taller than the later.

Hawke hugged Merrill back, still holding a smile, but it faltered a small bit.

"Oh Vhenan, I was so worried! I mean I know you write, but no one's seen you." Merrill said, not letting go of Hawke.

"I know, and I'm horribly sorry for worrying you…" Hawke started before looking up at the rest of the group. "All of you. I've been avoiding all my dear friends…I haven't been a good friend on my end. I'm sorry."

"Being in your position can't be easy Hawke…" Aveline said. "To have all of Kirkwall on your shoulders…it's a heavy burden to carry."

Hawke smiled a bit more and nodded. Varric still seemed concerned. Hawke was one thing, but a decent liar was not one of them. That smile is forced, and her words seem that way too. The "Champion" business wasn't what was bothering her. Merrill eventually released Hawke from the hug, but still held her hand, something the "Champion" returned.

"Now…I suppose you're curious as to the pile in the living room." Hawke said.

"Barley noticed it." Fenris said. Obviously in sarcasm. Hawke snickered a bit at that.

"Well…when me and my siblings were little kids, sometimes we'd be in a home that only had one room. So, our father took the available blankets and pillows and had us stay in the living room by the fire place." Hawke started explaining. It was honestly a cute thought to think about. The idea of little Hawkes bundled together in a mass of blankets and pillows.

"It happened rarely when we got to Lothering, but whenever me, Bethany, and Carver wanted to just be together and gossip, we'd grab our blankets and pillows and sit and just chat around the fire place…Mother and Father eventually joined us to…"

The smile was no longer recognizable on Hawke's face and suddenly the reason as to why she's been acting so off made sense, and Varric felt like shit for not catching on sooner. First her father, then Bethany, then Carver, and now her mother…Maker, had she properly mourned? The chaos with the Qunari happened not long after the funeral for Leandra…

"Lilian…" Varric started. "Please tell me you mourned…"

Her silence was all they needed.

"I…I only have Gamlen…but he won't speak to me…I don't blame him though…I just…" Lilian's jaw clenched, and her free hand went to her eyes as she hung her head low. "…As far as I'm concerned, you all are what I have left…Maker, I care for all of you. Even Isabela. If anything happened to any of you…"

Merrill's eyes were shiny with tears as she looked at Lilian, soon wrapping her arms around Lilian again and resting her head on her shoulder. Marley whining quietly and nudging Lilian's thigh in comfort.

Merrill had spoken to Lilian after it happened, she had never seen her Vhenan so stiff, so unsure. She knew Lilian was weary of Blood magic but allowed Merrill to do what she had to for her people. Lilian had always seemed hopeful for all kinds of magic. Merrill didn't want to push her, she had never lost anyone so close to her before. To lose so many family members within a few years? It would kill Merrill if she had lost her clan, especially in any similar manner Lilian had lost her mother, Carver, or Bethany.

Anders was speechless. He should have seen it sooner. He should have put two and two together. No one can just recover from something like that over night and then be okay enough to fight Qunari. He didn't see what happened to Leandra or Carver, but he heard from Fenris. When he saw Lilian fighting off the invasion, he assumed she was fine…he should have never assumed that.

Aveline felt guilty. Yes, her duty was a priority, but she felt partially responsible for how deteriorated Lilian had become. Coming to ask Lilian for help with the Qunari when Leandra was still warm. She had always been so tough, so resilient…and so damn kind. Aveline could have asked someone who went with Lilian often, like Merrill, or Fenris or help her. But she needed Lilian, and that resulted in Lilian not being able to take her time.

Sebastian had done his best to do a service for Leandra when he heard the news. He felt like it was all he could do. When Lilian asked the Chantry for a service, she was originally denied because Leandra was "corrupted" by the blood mages magic. That was the only time he had ever seen Lilian, was when she came to him and begged for help. He wasted no time going to the Grand Cleric directly and a private service was held for Leandra, with the whole group and Gamlen in attendance. He had hoped that maybe knowing her mother was with the Maker and received a proper service, Lilian would be a bit better. He felt like a fool for assuming such.

Fenris had seen Lilian rise and fall many times. He considered himself close to the mage and she close to him. He knew this was never going to be an easy road for her walk, a road of recovery. What was fresh in his mind was the trip to finding Leandra. He could hear her heart hammering and see the terror. Her voice cracked more than once. He said nothing when they found Leandra. It wasn't his place, it wasn't his right to say anything. He could have offered something…anything. If he could go back to that moment, he'd have ripped out Quinten's heart before he ever opened his mouth.

Varric already carried the guilt of Carver's death. He should have seen it coming, Bartrand's betrayal, but he didn't. All he could do was shoot the bastard Gaspard. Lilian didn't need that asshole's blood on her hands, but she was still broken. He could see it. During Leandra's service, everyone stood next to her as Sebastian did the honor service. Varric could only hold her hand as they watched the flames and ashes rise. He thought about that whole scenario a dozen times in his mind, he wishes that he could prevent it.

Fenris was the first to move and approached Lilian, setting the bottles in his arms on a nightstand nearby as he passed it. Anders tensed a bit but continued to watch as Fenris stood in front of Lilian and slowly held out his hands to her.

She seemed to have seen them, because she slowly placed her hands into his, both her and Merrill watching him.

"Lilian," Fenris started. "What was done to Leandra was a terror that will not leave you. It may never will. Please, do not pretend that it didn't happen. This solitude, this façade, this is what will kill you if you let it."

Lilian looked up a bit. Her jaw was clenched again, eyes shining, wanting so badly to shed tears, but she was fighting them.

Champion of Kirkwall. This city's champion. _Their_ champion. _Her family's_ champion. This group is all she has. She can't be weak now. She held it together when the Darkspawn attacked Lothering, but this whole thing started with Malcom, her Father. It felt like every time she lost someone, she gained people who needed her more and more. People who turned to her for help. People who depended on her help and her aid. She could feel her mind cracking when her Mother was gone. The Qunari invasion seemed like a blur. All Lilian could even recall vividly was the Arishok's declaration of invasion, and then finally his promise of return. There was nothing else she remembered from that event.

After the invasion and after her mother's funeral, the whole two months felt like a blur. She barley remembered anything, only brief meetings with Orsino or Meredith. Lilian kept herself busy with finance business and trying to keep the city from falling apart. Varric was right in more ways than one. She never mourned for any of her family. Not for her Mother, not for Bethany nor Carver, and not for Malcolm. All she could do, all she felt like she could function for was "they need you. You have to be strong for them." Never once did she take her time. She felt unworthy of it because they needed her own time.

Finally, Lilian felt the tears fall. And they didn't stop. She didn't let them stop. Merrill wrapped her arms around Lilian's neck and held her close again. Fenris stepped a bit closer, a hand on her shoulder.

"This is something you need. Not us. You. It hurts, but you'll kill yourself if you don't let this out." Fenris told her. Lilian looked up at Fenris and shut her eyes, a shudder and a whimper escaping the mages form. Lilian suddenly felt more people wrapping themselves around. First Anders, then Aveline, then Sebastian, and finally Varric. All these people cared about her so much, were so worried for her.

She couldn't take it. She held onto both Merrill and Fenris and sobbed. She cried and cried, mentally praying for her family, apologizing for her own failure, but all the while praying that they were all safe and at peace. For a moment she saw them in her mind again. Her family all together again, her father telling stories of old while Carver and Bethany clung to her mother. Lilian herself hung onto her father's every word, entranced by the story. That one moment of peace in her mind and she knew her family was the same.

Eventually, the tears stopped coming and Lilian could only hiccup and shake. Her body completely spent. Merrill was the first to move a bit, holding Lilian's face and wiping away the remaining tears with her thumbs.

"Lilian, we're so sorry." She said.

"Maker no…I should be apologizing. I should have known…I was just…so scared and worried for everyone looking to me for guidance. I should have given myself time at least after the invasion…" Lilian responded.

"We should have caught on sooner. I can only assume it was annoying having me, Fenris and Aveline chasing after you."

"You were worried. I understood."

The two women were suddenly brought out of it by a handkerchief being handed to Lilian. Both looked up to see Sebastian handing it over to Lilian, who took it and wiped her eyes.

"Thank you, Sebastian." Lilian sighed.

"Of course, Lilian." Sebastian replied.

Eventually-and a bit reluctantly-the group let go of Lilian, but again Merrill chose to keep her arm around Lilian's waist, Lilian doing to the same with the elf.

"Feeling a bit better?" Varric asked.

"I…A bit. For now, at least." Lilian responded, smiling a small bit. Now there was a genuine smile. It was tiny, but Varric smiled back seeing his old Hawke smiling again.

"It won't be an easy road, but you have us for you to lean on if you need it." Anders offered.

"I also heard you've been taking on work on behalf of the guard. I'll do what I can to keep them off you. It's the least I can do, especially after what you've already done." Aveline offered as well.

"What did I do to have friends like you?" Lilian asked, Varric spoke up.

"You are the only one who can literally look at any of us blood covered and offer help with those doe eyes of yours." The group chuckled a small bit, even Lilian.

"And you know what? Since we're here, and Elf brought wine. I say a night of gossip and drinking would do us all some good and for once, Sebastian can make sure none of us get into trouble." Varric suggested.

"…This time, I will accept that responsibility." Sebastian accepted. Lilian smiled her thanks to Sebastian as some of the members of the group got rid of any massive armor or outer clothes. Only in more lounge worthy clothes and sat down, each one claiming a pillow or blanket. Lilian and Merrill quickly went to grab some glasses and came back with one for each of them. The couple sat down in between Fenris and Aveline as Anders quickly offered his gift to Lilian, who graciously wore the warm blanket as each of them got a glass of wine.

The group drank and shared stories about the happenings around Kirkwall, most told by Varric. They all laughed and gossiped, and Anders got a bit tipsy, convincing Lilian and Aveline to join him in singing and old Ferelden song. The rest of the group eventually joined in, trying to match the lyrics, but Lilian seemed to be having a blast. Her eyes were still a bit red and puffy, but her real smile was back, and she put her heart into the song. They were all certain that one of Lilian's neighbors was not enjoying the Champion bearing her Ferelden pride, but she didn't care. All that mattered was this moment with them, her best friends, her new family and the love of her life.

Lilian suddenly woke up the next morning, vaguely remembering the events of last night All the excitement must have worn her out, and she drifted off. It was still dark, but Lilian could see through one of the windows; the sun would be coming up soon. Lilian also felt something on her chest and across her legs and lifted her head a bit, smiling at the scene before her.

Marley was splayed out across her legs, and she could see Aveline and Sebastian sleeping against the massive hound. Merrill was curled up against Lilian's side, her head resting over Lilian's heart. Lilian looked to her left and saw Fenris also fast asleep, his arm unfortunately being used as a pillow by Lilian. Anders was bundled in a mass of blankets, sleeping right behind Merrill, and snoring a bit loudly. There was one person missing though.

"Sleep well?" Lilian looked over and saw Varric walking out of the kitchen with a glass of water in hand. She smiled a bit at him.

"I slept fine." She whispered.

"That's good. You drifted off a bit after the song and kind of followed not long after." Varric explained, making his way over to his own spot, in between Sebastian and Anders. Lilian was quiet as Varric settled himself back into his own blankets and pillow.

"Varric?" Lilian asked, said dwarf looking up at her, waiting for her response. She smiled at him.

"Thank you for everything." She said. Varric was a bit taken back for a moment before he chuckled and laid back down.

"I should be thanking you. I haven't had this much excitement since I was a kid." Varric laughed. Lilian chuckled too and settled back into her spot. Kirkwall could wait one day for it's Champion. For now, Lilian was enjoying her company, and she was going to care for herself for once.


End file.
